"I do carry a lot of weight on my shoulders... That’s a part of who I am."

I am Dre

12.17.2014

Whats up? I got your 3rd letter today. I was actually kinda surprised to get another letter; I thought I responded to all of them. That’s cool though. I love hearing from you.

I’m glad you didn’t mind me writing. I appreciate that a lot. I was definitely in my feelings Lol. For me to write someone like that when im going through something is really rare though. It does help though. Is it cool if I write just to say was up sometimes too? Sometimes I wonder how your doing, and you cross my mind. I hope that doesn’t sound weird.

I’m glad that I won’t start going bald. Lol. Everyone always says that stressing makes you go bald. Is that even true? Cause I don’t believe it. I think I have a couple gray hairs in my mustache. Or the very few hairs that I have that Im calling a mustache. Ha.

I DO CARRY A LOT OF WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS, BUT THAT’S THE WAY ITS BEEN SINCE I WAS LIKE 12 OR 13 YEARS OLD. THAT’S A PART OF WHO I AM. IM REALLY A DEEP PERSON AND I DON’T MIND THE LEVEL OF RESPONSIBILITY THAT I HAVE SOMETIMES, WHETHER ITS TAKING CARE OF MYSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE. ITS DEFINITELY HARD TRYING TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM BEING SAD, AND ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE SOMETIMES. ESPECIALLY WHEN DEALING WITH MY MOM & SISTER.

They, and everyone else worry so much about me & the fact that I’ve been sentenced to 61 yrs. They’re in pain because they miss & love me and need me there, but another big part of it is cause they don’t want me to suffer, but be able to live a peaceful life. They don’t understand how I feel though. Not many words can explain that. But I’m also motivated by the pain that I feel sometimes & really focused. They don’t see that though. They only see 61 yrs & think I’m in here suffering. But that’s not the case. I suffer sometimes, but I accept the pain that I feel & let that motivate me to fight harder.

The situation with [name removed] is all good. She touched me in a way that no other girl has. But that don’t mean another person can’t. I just need to get out there. For me, its all about letting people in. I have to really feel like your genuine & real before I let you in. And based on my experience with people, she was what I’ve been needing & missing. She was so different from what I was used to.

I hoped she loved me as much as she say she did. Lol. But to hear someone that you love in so much pain & know that you can’t do anything about it is real hard. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking either. I think that’s a big reason why she left me hanging. When I was out, there was a lot of rumors going around saying that I was responsible for what Im charged with, and she heard. She told me that if those rumors were true, then she would never have anything to do with me again. I also think that being by my side up until my trial, then thinking that I was gonna come home, because that’s what I kept telling her, then once I lost, it was too much. Especially because they said in the articles how much time I was facing. That was the last time I spoke to her. I really don’t want to put her through any more pain. The more we talk, the more she feels like she needs me there, and I can’t be. All I can do is use that as motivation to get out of here so I can have these same feelings; whether its with [name removed] or someone else.

BEING ABLE TO LIVE THE STREET LIFE & HAVE HER DID MAKE ME FEEL WHOLE. THAT’S CRAZY HOW YOU SEE THAT. NO MATTER WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH, I KNEW JUST HEARING HER VOICE WOULD TAKE ALL OF THE BULLSHIT AWAY; AT LEAST FOR THE MOMENT. AND BEING ABLE TO HAVE SOMEONE TO LOVE & PROTECT HELPED MAKE ME FEEL WHOLE TOO. THAT’S WHY I SAID HAVING HER & HAVING MY YOUNGER SISTER BORN REALLY CHANGED ME A LOT.

[Name removed] definitely couldn’t face the reality of my lifestyle once I was take away at first. But we spoke everyday, so that other identity was still there. I just wasn’t there physically. But I told her while I was out, about the life I lived. She knew everything. She didn’t like it, and I promised I would change and we almost went our separate ways because I didn’t change. I was gonna change for her. It wasn’t as simple and easy as she thought though. I think a good woman can change any guy. I also think your logic for coping with the pain is exactly what I’ve been doing and is the best way to go about it.

I love [name removed], but I don’t think things will ever be the same between us. I won’t know until im out. But I’m really not looking forward to coming home to her. What we had was special, and I’ll always love her, even if its only as a friend. She showed me how to love a girl instead of just having sex. But im grown up now & I’m gonna live my life if I get out and just try and find the right woman for me. That could be [name removed], or it could be anyone else if I feel they’re the one. I’m not stuck on her, or only want her or anything like that.

That’s crazy that you seen August Alsina in concert. Aint that something? He’s pretty good. I like him & Trey Songs on the R&B side. I didn’t know he was homeless either. But I can tell in his music that he’s either seen or been through a lot. I can feel his pain in his music. I’m glad that he’s made it. Usher is good too. I like him too. I like more of his old stuff though. I haven’t been able to hear a lot of his new songs, but the ones I do hear are pretty good.

I wonder if D-Rose understands the affect he has on a lot of people. I also wonder how that must feel to be a normal guy, but have so many people be inspired by you & look up to you.

I think what you said about “Life being about connections” is true & kinda cool when you think about it. You take away all of the fame, power & all the material things, and you still have your friendships & emotions and we still have each other to connect with.

I used to only want to connect with the few people that I let get closet to me, and to be honest, it made that connection a lot stronger. Because I felt like connecting with someone is a powerful thing, and I didn’t believe in giving just anyone that chance to know me if I didn’t trust them. I think connecting with someone is something special. But when I was out, it was more about having that personal connection between two people.

Now though, I feel like I want to connect with everyone. But I can’t do that in here. But in society, I want to build relationships with all kinds of different people. I agree 100 percent that the meaning of life is to have & build connections with other humans & share a bond with each other.

Your right, a lot of successful people do come from nothing. And just cause you come from nothing don’t give you an excuse to give up, or to not try at all. But that’s how some of them think. But some of the people that come from nothing are very determined & motivated by not having anything, and wanted to change that. I think your also right when you said that, if we could plant the seed in young kids minds that they could do or be anything they want, it couldn’t change things completely, as long as they’re not distracted by what they’re surrounded by.

They need role models & idols that could encourage them & also guide them & show them the steps to being successful. Most people don’t even try because they feel like they don’t even know where to start, or what steps to take. They may dream of a better life, but think that it is nothing but a dream and that it wont happen because they don’t know how to make it happen. They think its impossible when it really isn’t. Does that make sense?

I appreciate you writing back though. I really do appreciate that. Im actually doing pretty good now. Im just chillin, I guess. Going with the flow while I wait on the court. Not really much going on in here. I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately. I get tired of watching T.V. Lol. I stay up on my sports though. D-Rose is my boy, but that dude Stephen Curry is a beast.

I put in a transfer to go up north, but they denied it. I would’ve been an hour away from home. It’s all good though.

My older sisters birthday was yest. She turned 22, I think. Lol. Or 23. I forgot. That’s messed up. My baby sister is turning 5 yrs old next week. I’ll call home & sing happy birthday to her. Im not sure if we’ll get the phones that night, but I’ll pay to have the phone brought to the cell. We usually only get the phone on the weekends except one random night of the week. I love talking on the phone, but its hard once I have to hang up sometimes. But it’s a good escape from all of the every day stuff that goes on, you know?

What are you doing for the holidays? Are you doing all the cooking this year? Or are you not too good at cooking? The holidays really don’t affect me that much. None of them really gets to me. I put my emotions to the side when it comes to that because it will drive you crazy. I learned that when I first got locked up. I love the holiday season though, and I hope my little sister and nephews get everything they want.

I’m about to get up out of here though. The games are coming on. I look forward to hearing from you sometimes soon. Take care out there, and I hope you enjoy the holidays too.

Until next time.

Dre.